I miss you, Tanya

Bullshit

I'm feeling like bullshit. Can't explain it better than that. This feeling IS bullshit. And it's not pleasant.



Lea is pissing me off again. She's gotta stop acting like a bitch if she wants me to take care of her cats.

Been talking to Karen a lot lately.

I don't know why I'm using fake names here. Incedentally, my name is Rob, although it actually isn't.

I miss her.
Ah, fuck it. Her name is Tanya. But my name is still Rob (although it actually isn't). Or just call me Weasel.

I been thinking a lot about her lately. I'm depressed and she always comforted me when I was, so that's no great surprise. Been thinking naughty things about her too. very naughty indeed. Well, THAT always comforted me too. AND HOW. It's actually quite a deadly cycle. It's nearly fucking impossible to stay away from that woman in those times. I've never felt anything else in my life as inticing.

So I'm seeing someone else (the aforementioned Laura, whose real name is Amanda). She's cool I guess.... she's funny, I enjoy spending time with her....but....... I dunno... is something missing? Or am I just unable to really feel right now?

I want to get fucked up

I miss her.....

Not the one I'm seeing now, things are going well with her I guess.

No, I miss the other one. The one I called a bitch awhile back. I miss her, and I miss who she was. I dunno, something changed in her, don't know where it came from.... but it really was rather sudden.
I was just looking at this short film that we made together. Never finished cutting it...... Fuck, just seeing her...... it hurt. I thought I was over her. I thought especially since I'm seeing someone new..... but it seems like I still got work to do. I still got 'over' to 'get'.


Fuck, but she's a goddamn cutie.

Maybe this is why I'm having troubles really being into this new girl. I think I called her "Laura" (although her real name is actually Amanda).

Okay, Here's one

I am feeling numb.

I want to tell you about this. But it was very difficult to do, because I'm feeling numb.


But at least I did.


I wish I could say more. But it's hard enough to do even this.

Jim is moving to Toronto

and essentially leaving the dcb, at least as an active member.

This blows something fierce.

BTW

I CAN DO ANYTHING.

Much like He-Man: I Have The Power.







edit:
Some of these items of anything that I can do include:

Riding my bike with no handlebars
Taking apart the remote control
Almost putting it back together
Seeing your face on the telephone
Keeping rythm with no metronome
Guiding a missle by satelite
Ending the planet in a holocaust

WELL????

I know what you're thinking.

It's been what's on your mind this whole last week.

Yes you, absent and indeed non-existant reader are desperatly wondering: "How did the date go?!"

And the answer is "It went"




Yes, it was neither positive or negative. A rather odd occurence, actually. Usually I'm head-over-heels about the actual idea, or dreading having to see this person again. (I don't know why but the shittiest of shitty dates I always felt a need to see the person again, or at least make it sound like I wanted to. Thankfully in all these cases the girl found a way to get out of it, and so that solved my problem too).
But this time, it wadn't no big thang. A couple a brews, some dinner, I paid, we laughed, had a good time and then we went home. I wasn't bored, I wasn't hoping to get out, I DO want to see her again, I DID laugh, she IS cute, but I also no great nothing after I left.
Dunno.
So I'm playing it the way I should have played all these others things I got myself into which is thus: I can hang out with her and we'll see what happens. If we feel like hanging out, we will. If not, we won't. And that goes for all else. I was thinking about kissing her last night, and I didn't. Which is damn good. This seems like a fucking no brainer, but I should wait on kissing her until I want to. Yeah, pretty damn basic but somehow that hasn't been my M.O. in the past.
Following this model, there's no chance of dissapointment or misunderstanding.

So, we'll see how this shit plays.

Snoogins,
Le Weaze

Good Goddamn

I am an intellictual and a comedian.
I hold my head up high and speak with authority.

I know whereof I speak.



And I just gots me a phat raise, yo.



Again: Suck it, bitches.

Whose house?
Weasel's House.

Edit

BOOM.

DATE.




Suck it, bitches.

Party/Coffee

So I went out to Jay's cast party last night and genuinely had a good time. Drank some beers, spoke to some peoples, chilled, laughed, etc. 'Twas good.

I also bumped into this girl I ain't seen in a year or so. The day we met Jay spent 1/2 an hour convincing her to introduce herself and then slap me in the face.

It's this thing Jay and I used to do. Long story. But it got outta hand where we were actually hurting each other quite badly. So, the new rule is that slapping is only allowed when it is completely awesome. I got him onstage in front of an audience in an adlib moment, and so his retaliation was some years later getting a total stranger to hit me. It was awesome. I applauded him for it, and also was very impressed that this girl (for sake of discretion we'll call her 'Laura', although her real name is Amanda) that "Laura" actually went for it.

So we're talking and things are good, and then she asks for a hug just before she leaves. And maybe she asked if we were friends on facebook. Maybe that was me. I had had a lot to drink.

At any rate I asked Jay if Laura was single, he said he thought so, so an hour ago I sent her a msg asking to go for coffee or a beer sometime. Why not. What the Hell.

At this point it doesn't even really matter if she says yes, so much as it does that I actually asked her. Don't know anything about her, so I don't know if she's the sort of girl I'd like, or if she'd like me. Once again, not nearly as important as me putting myself out there. And doing it all brave-like. I know it's a tiny bullshit little step, but for me, it's a bigger step than you'd think.

I CAN have a good time, I CAN be fun. I CAN fight the shits that I often feel, much like I did before I headed to the par-tah.

This bitch is pissing me off

I sometimes wonder why I actually like her when I get bullshit like this. At least it makes me feel better about not being together with her, cause this shit is fucking abuse. Ain't no way I could take this on a regular basis.

Stress/Fear/Fantasy/Dreams

I am so goddamned stressed today. No good reason why, this just hits me sometimes.

There are a bunch of stressful things happening right now.... but a lot of things that I shouldn't be stressing about. I really need to learn how to just chill.

Stressing begets more stressing, which makes my stomach hurt, which makes my back hurt, which stresses me out more cause I want to relax but can't, etc.

The times I am able to let all of this go are very few... but I savour them greatly.





My fantasies actually are built around eleaviating (sp?) this stress/fear. I mean they're all filled with financial security, health, fun and plenty of sexing, but at the same time the root of all of these is that I don't have to worry about shit anymore. Otherwise their actually quite reasonable. I still have a job, I just have a job that I enjoy. I still have plenty of bills to pay, I just don;t have to be concerned about whether or not there's enough money that month. I still get sick and have to wear glasses and my stomach hurts, I'm just not shitting blood anymore.

This stress is somehow part and parcel of my depression. It's connected somehow. Don't know quite how, but that's why I'm in therapy.





On a related note, all my dreams of late have had me almost hooking up with some chick. They're different girls all the time, but they're all composites of girls I know that I'm vaguely associated with. You know, that way where people in dreams LOOK like someone but ARE someone else? Yeah, that. The latest have included variations of Hannah, Lea, Cindy (yeah, I'm surprised 'bout that one as well), Jessie, plus a whole bunch of broads that I see on the bus everyday.

It's always the same.... there looks like SOMETHING might be there where I wasn't really even interested beforehand.... I become interested because of the attention, plus I kinda like these girls anyway, for sure......but then something gets in the way and I am unable to seal the deal. Then I wake up and I'm pissed that I can't get laid in my dreams. What kind of weak-ass shit is that?

There's a good reason why I ain't getting laid right now. Cause I stay inside the house and am afraid of people. Plus I ain't wiling to lower my standards to girls that I don't really want to fuck, or more often the ones that I shouldn't fuck cause it'll do me (and them) wrong/harm. And I'm fucking picky.
But sheeeeet.... my dreams? C'mon, hoss.... that be bullshit, yo.





Am I better today? Thought I was shit this morning.... the could seems to have risen. Maybe it was talking to Kelly and getting a better idea on the show. Anyway.... yeah I'm alright today. Gots a party to go to tonight. Hope this shit keeps like canned tomatoes.

It feels like I'm close to something

I often talk about this like a jouney. The difference is that most journies have a destination. This one doesn't. I'm going to be walking this path my whole life. I won't ever come to an end. It makes it difficult to stay on the path sometimes.... cause I ain't ever sure where the hell it is I'm going.

It feels like I'm close to something. I don't know what.... but some kind of understanding. I base this, as I do many things, on nothing more than a feeling. Which, from a rational perspective, is markedly unreliable. However, with no other particular direction to follow, I have to choose this. Otherwise I'm just standing stagnant.





Yesterday I spent the evening wanting.
Wanting for something, anything to want for. Even fantasies seemed unsatisfying. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do that would make me happy. Once again, not to say I was sad..... just couldn't feel happy. THAT is what depression is.



There's a girl that works at HMV in cote Vertu. She's cute but not gorgeous. In many ways, not really my speed. In fact, not really a girl I'd even notice, except that when I was there last week picking up the new Matt Good disc, she talked to me. So now I'm in love with her.
I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with the idea of her.
I'm not even in love with that, tho.
I'm in love with the idea that she might be something to be in love with the idea of. How fucking convoluted is that? But it's there. Every time I been back to the mall, I look for her. Cause she talked to me. That's it. A few words. WHO CARES? But I feel it. Cause I want it. I want to feel important, I want to feel loved.

Not to say that people don't love me.... cause they do. But somehow, there's something missing.

I got this feeling like I solve that one problem and everything else falls into place. It's a fallacy and I know it is..... but I can't shake it. It feels like it's the holy grail.



And still..... I feel like I'm close to something here.......some kinda understanding.....some kinda way out.

A descriptive and analytical explanation of depression

Okay, here we go. I'm a closeted despresive.

Sorta.

It's not like a keep it a secret exactly, but I'm certainly not 100% open with it. There's only a few of my peers that know that I have this condition, and of them there's probobly only one that I'm fully honest with... and THAT person is my psychologist.

So why do I hide it? Am I emabaressed? Do I think people will look at me differently?
Yes and no. The reason I hide it is because, for the most part, people simply don't understand it. I describe it, I can try and lay it all down for you, but unless you've dealt with it yourself, it's a bit tough to understand. Now, I'm talking about clinical depression here.... not your average everyday being bummed out, also not that shitty feeling you get when really bad stuff happens (the cat dies, your house burns down, the cat burns down your house).

No, I mean clinical depression. It's hard to classify, it's hard to diagnose, it's hard to treat, it's hard to understand.

I am a man....leastsways I'm pretty sure I am cause I got a dingus and don't bleed once a moon. The idea of menstrual cycles is one that I understand conceptually but not in, for lack of a better word, practice.

At first I approached it in the same way that many men do when we are first confronted with it. i.e. "Why is my girlfriend acting like such a bitch, what the hell did I do?" All of the sudden, for no damn reason, she's screaming at me over nothing, getting mad at me, crying.... and just generally being unpleasant. And then, makes no attempt to apologize for her shitty behavior later.

I of course know, as do you ladies, that this simply is not an accurate, or to put a better way, FAIR representation of what is going on. From what little I understand, during a woman's menstrual cycle there's a whole bunch of hormones floating about, far more than usual. These piss about with emotions, perception and general behavior. In this somewhat altered (although entirely normal) state it is completely understandable to be less tolerant than usual, to take things to extremes, etc.

In the same way that when one is drunk, we exepect their behavior to be different, and perhaps not fully in control of their actions. Now, this analogy breaks down here because while getting drunk is a choice, being a woman is not. Woman get their period every month, nothing can be done about that (and as stated before, quite damn normal. Every human mother that has ever lived has gone through this). If you choose to get drunk and become a complete asshole, that is really just a choice to be an asshole.

None of this is about being on the rag tho, this is simply to illustrate a point. As you women will no doubt see, I've got the idea down....sorta. But surely I'm not fully understanding this or explaining it properly. Maybe I've even offended a few of you. No worries, ain't no one reading this blog. ZERO. I know this cause I ain't told no one about it and I get ZERO comments. That's fine (for now).
[I do want people to read this, but I don't want to lead them to it. I want them to find it on their own. I realize this is not easy to do.... but that's how it has to be. This also is a complicated issue. More on the specific at a later time]

The point is while I understand it mostly, I'll never fully get it because I've never felt it. I don't really know what it's like. And so, I'll never really empathize. I can think of things that are similar and base my opinions on that... but it's as close as I'll get (i.e. still far away).

So this brings me to my point. Unless you've been depressed......that is CLINICALY depressed... you can not fully understand what is going on. You might sorta be able to get it..... but it is a difficult concept to fully wrap your head around. This is further complicated by the fact that many people DO think they understand. Everyone's been (regular) depressed..... so a lot of them assume this is just the same thing, 'cept more of it. No. Yes.... but no. More no than yes.

So then..... what is clinical depression?
At it's most basic level it is the inability to feel joy or happiness. It is NOT feeling sad. The distinction between these two is important. It is the depression of the happyjoy part of your brain.

How does it present itself? Here are some common symptoms:
- Depressed mood (no shit)
- Apathy
- Lethargy
- Loss of weight/loss of apetite (I hear some people actually eat MORE when depressed. I ain't never noticed this myself. To me this is not a true symptom of being depressed, but a reaction to it. You like eating? Maybe eating will make you feel better.....let's eat.)
- Headaches
- Insomnia/fatigue

The first thing you'll notice is that none of this is any way uncommon shit that any and all of us will deal with on a fairly regular basis. This kinda makes it hard to diagnose for what it actually is, and the layman's intuative reasoning would say that someone feelings these symptoms is simply dealing with life. "Quit your whining, get up and get back to fucking work. We all get bummed, but don't be a lazy shit."
This attitude is wrong, and inaccurate. You cannot simply pick yourself up and stop being sad.
However, I do not fault the average person for having these opinions. They simply do not understand the situation, and worse, they think they DO understand it.

THAT in a nutshell is why I don't talk about it. When I show up to work and am asked "How are you today?" I lie and say I'm fine. I cannot tell the truth because very few people will understand.

I don't want to perceived as whiny, as weak. It's a hell of a lot more complicated than that. It's not that we are too lazy to get things done, it is that there is a brain misfire that PREVENTS us from getting things done.

That's part of what that list I compiled in the last post is about. These are things that I am somehow prevented from doing. If I can find a way to do these things, I will in essence have found a way through this preventive element and therefore a major piece of my depression.

So I am silent, for the most part. I have to be. I cannot allow myself to be alienated further from people. I know however, that my silence prevents me from developping stronger realationships with people....I always hold quite a bit back. Clearly I do not have a good balance. I need to open up about this more.

This is step one......

I feel there is more I need to elaborate on this issue. I have not fully explained what I wanted to here. It is, after all, quite a complex issue.

More on this soon.

List of things to acomplish

I want to do these things. For some reason I am afraid of doing these things, which prevents me from getting them done. Not afraid of the activities themselves, or doing them..... but the idea of them. Can't explain it very well...... but here it is:

Get a new Agent
Put together a demo
Put together a voice demo
Get my driver's license
Learn the Banjo
Get a cat
Get rid of most of my CDs and DVDs

Ain't nothing special about anything of these things.....Ain't nothing inherently frightning about any of them neither. But something is holding me back, and so all I do is fret about not doing them.

If I can find a way to do these things it will be a huge step (a MASSIVE step) in being where I want to be. In being who I want to be.

Apparently I was drunk the last time I blogged

....As I don't recall doing so. I don't recall much after the 6th beer to be frank, but oddly enough it looks like it was neutral to semi-contsructive things that I did once I was in that state.

Now that I've outlawed bitching....or at least severely limted the bitching I am allowed, I'm not entirely sure what to write.

I have this same problem in therapy. When shit is going ok... I don't really know what to talk about.

The problem is it's all up and down. This shit goes in cycles, you need the downs for the ups and the ups for the downs. Also you can't look at it day to day.... there is a pattern that emerges once you look back over a longish period of time. That's partially what this blog is for. I ain't been reading the earlier posts, but I have a suspicion that they are decidedly bleak at times.

There is no conclusion or summary at this time.

I'm quite drunk

But regardless...


This blog is going to change. It will be less about my woes, and more about the changes that I will make. This blog is too fucking depressing, and not enough about who I actually am. And that changes today.

My fears, the things that hold me back....... that's what this will be about. And about how I conquer these things. About how I am not prisoner to these things.

all is not darkness

I've only been writing here when I'm down. That's kind of the point of this thing. Sorta. I'm just not sure what to write when I'm good. I'm going to find a way to change that.

Underwater

One of these days I'll read back these things I've written, and hopefully they'll seem so foreign to me that I can hardly understand what is here.

I don't like walking into work or bumping into someone on the street and being asked "How are you doing?" because often I have to lie and see "I'm alright". I can't say I'm doing poorly because then I'd have to explain myself and also I seem like a goddamn sadsack.

But it wears on me... holding this all in. There's some people that know, for sure... but a lot have no idea. I wish I could tell everyone. I wish it was something simple like walking with a cane. "Why do you walk with a cane?" "I broke my hip 7 years ago when I was hit by a car". Simple. It needn't ever go further than that. But how to I explain depression to people who don't understand what it is?




Of all people, Tanya just questioned my mood. If even Tanya cannot understand this and is going to judge me.....call me lazy.... call me moody.... call me whiny... how can I hope to get anyone else to understand it?

Back and Forth

Doc's appt. went well. He checked things out, saw nothing, assured that it was probably nothing, and heres a few extra tests to take, just to be sure. Sounds all good to me, and I do feel better about all that. I knew it wadn't nothing, but I did want to hear someone with a damn degree tell me it was nothing.

Shit with girls again: She got online with me talking about her sexy costume she's wearing for Halloween. Her Leia costume. So what's that gonna make me think about? She says when I'm good with us being friends, then I should call her so we can hang out. Am I really ever gonna be cool with that? I still pine over girls that I met years for 1/2 a day. Let's not forget Toronto girl #2 (really Toronto girl #3). I still look at pictures and fantasize. And I don't know ANYTHING about this girl, really. Nothing at all.

What pisses me off most is how much this shouldn't be affecting me, and how much it is. I just don't want to feel this fucking way. It only serves to hurt me.

Prof. Keddy (not actually a Prof.) told me to feel what I feel with no judgements. I'd like to, but I don't really believe that. Not that I don't believe her, not that I don't think she's right (because for the most part she IS right) but I simply cannot feel that way. Trying to fix myself, trying to improve myself and then feeling like THIS? It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel like I did all this for nothing. It is not something I feel I can embrace. Not right now, anyway.

Least I been staying away from the Redhead. SOrta. But sorta in the good way. I was over at her place yesterday and it was fine. Sitting there eating food, petting cats, bunnies and nothing else. Not even the desire of anyting else. So that works.




And now the girl just calls me... talks about costumes and that. I say we outta do something, she says I need to call HER... and it needs to be when I ain't gonna be hitting on her. I say I can do that...she says I shouldn't even have the desire to do so. I don't really see how that all works out. If I find her hot, I'm going to find her hot, that shit ain't gonna change. I can change my actions but not my feelings. So I can't hang out with her now, cause I still got feelings?

I dunno.... this pisses me off.




The biggest thing for me that bothers me is it all seems to boil down to something very simple: When I'm with someone, I'm happy. When I'm not, I'm not.

It doesn't even matter WHO it is, or whether I really like them. I just want to be with someone. And in my opinion, that ain't good enough, it's not even real. There should be a way to happiness... REAL happiness, that goes outside of that bullshit.

This fucking yo-yo.... I'm on this fucking yo-yo....up and down, up and down.

Like the girl said.... looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places.

I mean.... it has to be wrong with her if she doesn't want to have a realationship. Take out of the picture whether or not she even likes me.... if she doesn't want any realationship.... then it's WRONG. So want can't I believe myself that it's wrong? Why do I still want her? Why do I still want the Toronto girls? or the Redhead? Or the Israeli? Or my fucking first girlfriend I had when I was 12. TWELVE.

I'm sick of this bullshit. Sick of it. I want a way out. I want to believe in myself.




I just want to feel happy.

Doctor

Going to see the doctor today. It's about fucking time. I've put this off for months now, cause I don't want to deal with it. Chances are I'm totally fine, but I won't feel fine until I know I am fine.

He's going to want to shove a camera up my ass, for sure. I got too many goofy symptoms for him to not want to, even if he's sure I am fine.

Piss. Fuck.

Well, I'll feel better, even if I'm told to get the asscam (which I will be told). At least I wont have to guess anymore.

and now

I met a girl. We hit it off. It worked for awhile, but she wanted different things that what I wanted, so she ended it.

Nothing new. Nothing that hasn't happened before and won't happen again.

So I'm bummed about it. I don't want to be, but there it is. And I probobly won't be able to get thru this until I LET myself be bummed about this, be as bummed as I need to be so I can come out clean on the other side.

But I hate it. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like a loser.

Unfortunate...

...But this is the way things will start again.

The point is this time it is not about pity. It is not about asking "why do these things happen to me?". It is not about looking for a shoulder to cry on.

It is about the journey, it is about pulling myself above everything.

And most importantly, it is about me and for me. And that's why it is anonymous this time.