I can't believe that she did that. I can't believe that she bitched all day long about her boyfriend and didn't catch the irony of it.
Nor the fact that I was right.
Nor the fact that I this is the 2nd time she's done this in a week.
Nor the immense hypocrisy in her defense of his actions to me in the world's capital. Calling me a horrible person for hitting on some girl a few weeks after she broke up with me, where he cheats on his girlfriend with her.
FUCK THAT.
I don't need this shit, and I deserve a goddamn apology.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
No one reads this damn thing
But regardless I did promise her I wouldn't say a thing. So I have to be very careful, even tho I really don't.
But the point is, I was right.
And I hate the fact that I was right. Cause that means a lot of things are true that I hoped were not. Chief among them is she isn't quite who I thought she was, which in a way is good if I'm less close to her. It's easier not to be with her if she isn't who I thought she was.
The other thing is she lied directly to me. DIRECTLY. The first time I told her to lie to me. Because I didn't want it to be true. Every time after that however.... every time after that hurts.
But the point is, I was right.
And I hate the fact that I was right. Cause that means a lot of things are true that I hoped were not. Chief among them is she isn't quite who I thought she was, which in a way is good if I'm less close to her. It's easier not to be with her if she isn't who I thought she was.
The other thing is she lied directly to me. DIRECTLY. The first time I told her to lie to me. Because I didn't want it to be true. Every time after that however.... every time after that hurts.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Where we are now
Okay, so the day after I said that I wasn't sleeping with her, I slept with her. It was kinda her idea, and kinda planned ahead of time.
And it was pretty goddamn rockin'. Maybe not a good idea, but felt fucking good. And we'd been leading up to thing for fucking sure. But there it was, it happened, and then we sorta left it be.
Three weeks went by with nothing else. Not really, anyway. I'd go over, she'd tease me. A lot. But mainly just teasing. Heavy, HEAVY teasing, but teasing nonetheless.
She had mentioned this guy that she had feelings for but did feel the same way back. Some guy she'd had sex with a few weeks back. I thought it was me, but it turns out it's this guy Allin. (not actually named Allin).
She'd been seeing him awhile, and in her words "having lots of sex". And maybe she even loved him. But he didn't feel the same way back.
Well, she had a bad week. She was talking about how no one loves her. I was bummed cause I felt alone. And jealous. So we had sex again. And again the next night.
Her Idea / My Idea / Her Idea
Tuesday morning she tells me she was up till 5AM with Allin arguing about what happened. Turns out he did care, and now she hurt him. She felt real, real, real bad. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't really done anything wrong mind you. They weren't even dating, and I'd been given to understand he was seeing other people, that this was just about the sex and that was it.
Well, I called her and she's feeling better. She wasn't at home. Is she over at his place? Did she patch things up? Or just chillin' with a friend?
And what do I want? I don't want to get back together with her. Not really. That shit never works. But I miss her like shit. And I am jealous of her.
I almost want her to be alone.
She wants me to find someone.
I just know I feel alone, and I don't know how to resolve this pain I often feel. I love her, I miss her, and whenever I had her it eventually fell apart.
I want her to be happy.....but can I come to grips with that and my own happiness?
alon........
And it was pretty goddamn rockin'. Maybe not a good idea, but felt fucking good. And we'd been leading up to thing for fucking sure. But there it was, it happened, and then we sorta left it be.
Three weeks went by with nothing else. Not really, anyway. I'd go over, she'd tease me. A lot. But mainly just teasing. Heavy, HEAVY teasing, but teasing nonetheless.
She had mentioned this guy that she had feelings for but did feel the same way back. Some guy she'd had sex with a few weeks back. I thought it was me, but it turns out it's this guy Allin. (not actually named Allin).
She'd been seeing him awhile, and in her words "having lots of sex". And maybe she even loved him. But he didn't feel the same way back.
Well, she had a bad week. She was talking about how no one loves her. I was bummed cause I felt alone. And jealous. So we had sex again. And again the next night.
Her Idea / My Idea / Her Idea
Tuesday morning she tells me she was up till 5AM with Allin arguing about what happened. Turns out he did care, and now she hurt him. She felt real, real, real bad. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't really done anything wrong mind you. They weren't even dating, and I'd been given to understand he was seeing other people, that this was just about the sex and that was it.
Well, I called her and she's feeling better. She wasn't at home. Is she over at his place? Did she patch things up? Or just chillin' with a friend?
And what do I want? I don't want to get back together with her. Not really. That shit never works. But I miss her like shit. And I am jealous of her.
I almost want her to be alone.
She wants me to find someone.
I just know I feel alone, and I don't know how to resolve this pain I often feel. I love her, I miss her, and whenever I had her it eventually fell apart.
I want her to be happy.....but can I come to grips with that and my own happiness?
alon........
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