all is not darkness

I've only been writing here when I'm down. That's kind of the point of this thing. Sorta. I'm just not sure what to write when I'm good. I'm going to find a way to change that.

Underwater

One of these days I'll read back these things I've written, and hopefully they'll seem so foreign to me that I can hardly understand what is here.

I don't like walking into work or bumping into someone on the street and being asked "How are you doing?" because often I have to lie and see "I'm alright". I can't say I'm doing poorly because then I'd have to explain myself and also I seem like a goddamn sadsack.

But it wears on me... holding this all in. There's some people that know, for sure... but a lot have no idea. I wish I could tell everyone. I wish it was something simple like walking with a cane. "Why do you walk with a cane?" "I broke my hip 7 years ago when I was hit by a car". Simple. It needn't ever go further than that. But how to I explain depression to people who don't understand what it is?




Of all people, Tanya just questioned my mood. If even Tanya cannot understand this and is going to judge me.....call me lazy.... call me moody.... call me whiny... how can I hope to get anyone else to understand it?

Back and Forth

Doc's appt. went well. He checked things out, saw nothing, assured that it was probably nothing, and heres a few extra tests to take, just to be sure. Sounds all good to me, and I do feel better about all that. I knew it wadn't nothing, but I did want to hear someone with a damn degree tell me it was nothing.

Shit with girls again: She got online with me talking about her sexy costume she's wearing for Halloween. Her Leia costume. So what's that gonna make me think about? She says when I'm good with us being friends, then I should call her so we can hang out. Am I really ever gonna be cool with that? I still pine over girls that I met years for 1/2 a day. Let's not forget Toronto girl #2 (really Toronto girl #3). I still look at pictures and fantasize. And I don't know ANYTHING about this girl, really. Nothing at all.

What pisses me off most is how much this shouldn't be affecting me, and how much it is. I just don't want to feel this fucking way. It only serves to hurt me.

Prof. Keddy (not actually a Prof.) told me to feel what I feel with no judgements. I'd like to, but I don't really believe that. Not that I don't believe her, not that I don't think she's right (because for the most part she IS right) but I simply cannot feel that way. Trying to fix myself, trying to improve myself and then feeling like THIS? It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel like I did all this for nothing. It is not something I feel I can embrace. Not right now, anyway.

Least I been staying away from the Redhead. SOrta. But sorta in the good way. I was over at her place yesterday and it was fine. Sitting there eating food, petting cats, bunnies and nothing else. Not even the desire of anyting else. So that works.




And now the girl just calls me... talks about costumes and that. I say we outta do something, she says I need to call HER... and it needs to be when I ain't gonna be hitting on her. I say I can do that...she says I shouldn't even have the desire to do so. I don't really see how that all works out. If I find her hot, I'm going to find her hot, that shit ain't gonna change. I can change my actions but not my feelings. So I can't hang out with her now, cause I still got feelings?

I dunno.... this pisses me off.




The biggest thing for me that bothers me is it all seems to boil down to something very simple: When I'm with someone, I'm happy. When I'm not, I'm not.

It doesn't even matter WHO it is, or whether I really like them. I just want to be with someone. And in my opinion, that ain't good enough, it's not even real. There should be a way to happiness... REAL happiness, that goes outside of that bullshit.

This fucking yo-yo.... I'm on this fucking yo-yo....up and down, up and down.

Like the girl said.... looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places.

I mean.... it has to be wrong with her if she doesn't want to have a realationship. Take out of the picture whether or not she even likes me.... if she doesn't want any realationship.... then it's WRONG. So want can't I believe myself that it's wrong? Why do I still want her? Why do I still want the Toronto girls? or the Redhead? Or the Israeli? Or my fucking first girlfriend I had when I was 12. TWELVE.

I'm sick of this bullshit. Sick of it. I want a way out. I want to believe in myself.




I just want to feel happy.

Doctor

Going to see the doctor today. It's about fucking time. I've put this off for months now, cause I don't want to deal with it. Chances are I'm totally fine, but I won't feel fine until I know I am fine.

He's going to want to shove a camera up my ass, for sure. I got too many goofy symptoms for him to not want to, even if he's sure I am fine.

Piss. Fuck.

Well, I'll feel better, even if I'm told to get the asscam (which I will be told). At least I wont have to guess anymore.

and now

I met a girl. We hit it off. It worked for awhile, but she wanted different things that what I wanted, so she ended it.

Nothing new. Nothing that hasn't happened before and won't happen again.

So I'm bummed about it. I don't want to be, but there it is. And I probobly won't be able to get thru this until I LET myself be bummed about this, be as bummed as I need to be so I can come out clean on the other side.

But I hate it. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like a loser.

Unfortunate...

...But this is the way things will start again.

The point is this time it is not about pity. It is not about asking "why do these things happen to me?". It is not about looking for a shoulder to cry on.

It is about the journey, it is about pulling myself above everything.

And most importantly, it is about me and for me. And that's why it is anonymous this time.