Back and Forth

Doc's appt. went well. He checked things out, saw nothing, assured that it was probably nothing, and heres a few extra tests to take, just to be sure. Sounds all good to me, and I do feel better about all that. I knew it wadn't nothing, but I did want to hear someone with a damn degree tell me it was nothing.

Shit with girls again: She got online with me talking about her sexy costume she's wearing for Halloween. Her Leia costume. So what's that gonna make me think about? She says when I'm good with us being friends, then I should call her so we can hang out. Am I really ever gonna be cool with that? I still pine over girls that I met years for 1/2 a day. Let's not forget Toronto girl #2 (really Toronto girl #3). I still look at pictures and fantasize. And I don't know ANYTHING about this girl, really. Nothing at all.

What pisses me off most is how much this shouldn't be affecting me, and how much it is. I just don't want to feel this fucking way. It only serves to hurt me.

Prof. Keddy (not actually a Prof.) told me to feel what I feel with no judgements. I'd like to, but I don't really believe that. Not that I don't believe her, not that I don't think she's right (because for the most part she IS right) but I simply cannot feel that way. Trying to fix myself, trying to improve myself and then feeling like THIS? It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel like I did all this for nothing. It is not something I feel I can embrace. Not right now, anyway.

Least I been staying away from the Redhead. SOrta. But sorta in the good way. I was over at her place yesterday and it was fine. Sitting there eating food, petting cats, bunnies and nothing else. Not even the desire of anyting else. So that works.




And now the girl just calls me... talks about costumes and that. I say we outta do something, she says I need to call HER... and it needs to be when I ain't gonna be hitting on her. I say I can do that...she says I shouldn't even have the desire to do so. I don't really see how that all works out. If I find her hot, I'm going to find her hot, that shit ain't gonna change. I can change my actions but not my feelings. So I can't hang out with her now, cause I still got feelings?

I dunno.... this pisses me off.




The biggest thing for me that bothers me is it all seems to boil down to something very simple: When I'm with someone, I'm happy. When I'm not, I'm not.

It doesn't even matter WHO it is, or whether I really like them. I just want to be with someone. And in my opinion, that ain't good enough, it's not even real. There should be a way to happiness... REAL happiness, that goes outside of that bullshit.

This fucking yo-yo.... I'm on this fucking yo-yo....up and down, up and down.

Like the girl said.... looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places.

I mean.... it has to be wrong with her if she doesn't want to have a realationship. Take out of the picture whether or not she even likes me.... if she doesn't want any realationship.... then it's WRONG. So want can't I believe myself that it's wrong? Why do I still want her? Why do I still want the Toronto girls? or the Redhead? Or the Israeli? Or my fucking first girlfriend I had when I was 12. TWELVE.

I'm sick of this bullshit. Sick of it. I want a way out. I want to believe in myself.




I just want to feel happy.