holy shit

But this blog is full of anger, pain and vitrol.

The fact that I can hardly recognize it as being written by me is incredibly promising that I have actually made a solid change in my life.

This bitch is no good for me

The sooner I come to accepting that, the better I'll be.

Well...

There's many different ways I can talk about the last little while....

but for brevity's sake I'm going to boil it down to one thing:




Good Goddamn but that was fucking amazing.

Watch yourself, woman

One of these days you're going to be teasing me and I won't be able to take it anymore. I'm going to throw against the wall and have my way with you. And you won't be able to push me away for what I'm doing to you.

What happened this morning, in my head.

I woke up and looked over at you. You were lying on your back, your eyes closed, breathing slowly, your chest moving up and down ever so slightly.

I stared at you for awhile. The curve of your breast was so inticing, you looked so delicious. After awhile, I couldn't hold back anymore.

I slowly leaned over and kissed you gently on the cheek. You rustled a bit, like you were experiencing it in your dreams. I kissed you on your lips, you returned the kiss clumsily, not fully awake.

I moved down to the curve of your neck, kissing deeper now. A hint of a smile crossed your face, I heard a tiny noise from you, pleasant and inviting. I went to that space in between your neck and your collar bone, that little hollow, poking my tongue out and licking your soft smooth skin. I bit gently on your collar bone. You pretended to still be asleep, but I could tell by your widening smile and the way your arched your back that you were awake and loving every moment of this.











I moved down again, this time to the space between your wonderful breasts, running my lips all the way up and down them. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I cupped your right breast with my hand and put my lips over your nipple sucking on you deeply, my tongue working its way all over you. You let out an involuntary moan and your back arched. I looked up at you staring deeply at me now, fully awake and lusty.


I sucked on you greedily, you tasted so good, you felt so soft and warm, my other hand reached down to your crotch, your panties already wet with desire. I started moving my hand back and forth, and your moans got louder and more out of control.


At one point you gave me a shove, rolled yourself onto me, licked your lips lustily and whispered "my turn" and then dove down. You tore off my boxers and flung them to the corner of the room, and then dove down upon me....taking the whole of me in.


You sucked and sucked and sucked, moaning deeper and deeper all the time. I couldn't hold it. It was just so good. Everything disappeared and all I knew was you taking all of me in, sucking deeper and harder and warmer and faster.


I'm going to cum, I said. I'm going to cum down your throat. You moaned in excitment and sped up. I couldn't hold myself...I exploded down your throat. You drank me all up, loving every single moment.



This is how I woke up this morning. In my head.

Once again...

I'm sleeping with her, but not sleeping with her.

Although she does sleep naked.

Good lord.





She looked so delicious this morning.

Like Seriously

I really want to fuck.

Not proud of this but...

....I really want to get laid right now.

I stayed home yesterday

I didn't go over to her place. Even though I just wanted to lie with her in my arms. (And then do a whole lot more).

But I stayed home instead. And I am better for it. Really I am. Given the oppurtunity for what I wanted I still would have done it. I would be doing it right now. But I know what is better for me.

And I feel like dogshit today.


Just shitty.

So I got a call on Saturday: "can you come over?"

"Is everything ok?"

"No."

"What Happened?"

"I can't tell you".

So I went over. And I comforted her. Then she got a phone call.... was in the other room for 20 min and came back "Well, I'm single."




So I spent Saturday with her, stayed the night and was over there last night too.

Last night she spent the night with no shirt on. We were cuddling all night long. It's very comfortable, but frustrating at the same time. Because, holy fuck. Especially with the way she teases me. Although to be fair, she behaving herself better and I'm behaving myself better.


But that doesn't change the fact that I'm lying in bed with my nearly naked ex-girlfriend, who I am still very much smitten with. It's difficult.

I was doing so well

I was doing so well yesterday. Better than I have been since this started. But then I crashed last night. What happened?

I'm angry

I'm fucking angry at what you did to me.

I'm angry at the calous and unfuckingcaring way you have treated me.

I'm angry at your bullshit.

Stop doing this. Stop hurting me like this.
I've had enough. It's time for me to happy for a change.

Go away

GO AWAY
GO AWAY

GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY
GO AWAY

BTW

Fuck you.

Fuck you for sleeping with all my friends and not seeing the problem with that.

Fuck you for telling me what you did and acting indignant when I didn't eat your shit up with a spoon and say "what a damn fine meal, my compliments to the chef".

Fuck you for leading me on and making this hurt worse.

Fuck you for crying to me when things didn't work out your way.




I'm done with you. We're through. This shit is over.


And while I'm at it, you're fat. And your show sucks.

Facebook Status

Weasel is angry
Weasel won't tolerate your bullshit
Weasel won't protect you anymore
Weasel doesn't deserve this

In a way, I've hit bottom

But not really.

This is the bottom of THIS hole, but not the bottom of all holes. And there are plenty of other holes that are much deeper.

Christ, but I hate this. And I have no real feeling of when it will end this time. Will it be days? Weeks? Months?

I feel like shit today

Today is the worst it has been since this all started.

What am I doing?

Well.... I am coping.

I am smoking when I'm not at the office..... but not to a large degree.

And as long as I keep my mind off the truly heavy items, I'm doing okay. I believe this might actually be the turning point for me. Much like when I was able to do the same thing for that other jew.
In the end she wasn't right for me. Too many huge differences...and this one is no different. I just need to let it go. I'm better at letting it go than I have ever been before, but it is still something difficult to do.


and so I roll.

and so it goes....

I'm doing okay.

Not great, but okay. I'm functional, I'm working.....and I've had some good times. I'm working on improving things. I have been stoned most of the time, but it largely it hasn't been terribly unpleasant.

Just images popping into my head. And oddly enough the one that hurts the most is the idea of her being the other woman. I thought she'd given that up. And one of her closest friends. I don't know how she was able to do that. She says she feels guilty....but it happened. And it happened for awhile.













I don't even want to look at that anymore. It's the part that hurts most. I don't really know why, since it has nothing to do with me.... I guess it just changes who she is. It makes me love her less. It means that she can't ever be the one for me. Even if all of this falls apart and we hit it off again.....knowing what she did....I don't know if I'll ever love her the same. And that hurts.



The second part to this is trying to come to grips with that. If she isn't the one (which she absolutely cannot be, now) then it shouldn't matter who she is with and what she does. She's not the love of my life, there is someone else out there for me. Better for me.

Part of me says this is great, this is what I need to move on, and to move on for good. But part of me never wants to let go.




This is a good thing. This needs to happen. Now I just need to convince myself of what I already know to be true.

Toll

I can't believe that she did that. I can't believe that she bitched all day long about her boyfriend and didn't catch the irony of it.

Nor the fact that I was right.

Nor the fact that I this is the 2nd time she's done this in a week.

Nor the immense hypocrisy in her defense of his actions to me in the world's capital. Calling me a horrible person for hitting on some girl a few weeks after she broke up with me, where he cheats on his girlfriend with her.

FUCK THAT.
I don't need this shit, and I deserve a goddamn apology.

No one reads this damn thing

But regardless I did promise her I wouldn't say a thing. So I have to be very careful, even tho I really don't.

But the point is, I was right.

And I hate the fact that I was right. Cause that means a lot of things are true that I hoped were not. Chief among them is she isn't quite who I thought she was, which in a way is good if I'm less close to her. It's easier not to be with her if she isn't who I thought she was.

The other thing is she lied directly to me. DIRECTLY. The first time I told her to lie to me. Because I didn't want it to be true. Every time after that however.... every time after that hurts.

Where we are now

Okay, so the day after I said that I wasn't sleeping with her, I slept with her. It was kinda her idea, and kinda planned ahead of time.
And it was pretty goddamn rockin'. Maybe not a good idea, but felt fucking good. And we'd been leading up to thing for fucking sure. But there it was, it happened, and then we sorta left it be.
Three weeks went by with nothing else. Not really, anyway. I'd go over, she'd tease me. A lot. But mainly just teasing. Heavy, HEAVY teasing, but teasing nonetheless.
She had mentioned this guy that she had feelings for but did feel the same way back. Some guy she'd had sex with a few weeks back. I thought it was me, but it turns out it's this guy Allin. (not actually named Allin).
She'd been seeing him awhile, and in her words "having lots of sex". And maybe she even loved him. But he didn't feel the same way back.

Well, she had a bad week. She was talking about how no one loves her. I was bummed cause I felt alone. And jealous. So we had sex again. And again the next night.
Her Idea / My Idea / Her Idea
Tuesday morning she tells me she was up till 5AM with Allin arguing about what happened. Turns out he did care, and now she hurt him. She felt real, real, real bad. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't really done anything wrong mind you. They weren't even dating, and I'd been given to understand he was seeing other people, that this was just about the sex and that was it.

Well, I called her and she's feeling better. She wasn't at home. Is she over at his place? Did she patch things up? Or just chillin' with a friend?

And what do I want? I don't want to get back together with her. Not really. That shit never works. But I miss her like shit. And I am jealous of her.

I almost want her to be alone.

She wants me to find someone.





I just know I feel alone, and I don't know how to resolve this pain I often feel. I love her, I miss her, and whenever I had her it eventually fell apart.

I want her to be happy.....but can I come to grips with that and my own happiness?







alon........

So I'm sleeping with her, but I'm not sleeping with her.

An improvement, while not a solution. Better than it has been, without being a done deal. At this point, I'll take it.

And Again...

I don't know how to make this stop. I know what I'm doing right now is self-destructive, I know it can't do anything to help, but only to hurt.... and yet I still cannot stop.

I feel sick. Like, physically sick. This is when I know how hard it's become, because I can feel it in my body as well as in my brain.

I'm trying to stay on top of my work here at the office, as I know what happens when I get like this. And I suppose it helps a bit. But what I really want to do is just leave. And wallow.
Wallowing is something I feel a great desire to do when I get like this. It doesn't help worth a fuck, but the desire is there and is very strong. There are a bunch of other strong desires that do not help, leave me unfulfilled and even serve to make it worse, but I still feel the desire for them.

They are in fact desires of things that highlight my loneliness. I know they don't help, I know they make it worse..... but it's like picking at a scab.....you just can't help it.

I haven't talked about everything that has happened with Tanya in the last week or two. Why haven't I? I don't want to admit it, maybe. Or I want it to be different, or I'm embarassed by it, or something. Something like that.



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I hate lying to people about how I feel. I wish when people asked "How are you?" I could tell them how depressed I feel. Instead, I have to put on a brave face, smile and say I'm doing good. Maybe this is why I'm an actor.... I do this shit all the time.