I don't know how to make this stop. I know what I'm doing right now is self-destructive, I know it can't do anything to help, but only to hurt.... and yet I still cannot stop.
I feel sick. Like, physically sick. This is when I know how hard it's become, because I can feel it in my body as well as in my brain.
I'm trying to stay on top of my work here at the office, as I know what happens when I get like this. And I suppose it helps a bit. But what I really want to do is just leave. And wallow.
Wallowing is something I feel a great desire to do when I get like this. It doesn't help worth a fuck, but the desire is there and is very strong. There are a bunch of other strong desires that do not help, leave me unfulfilled and even serve to make it worse, but I still feel the desire for them.
They are in fact desires of things that highlight my loneliness. I know they don't help, I know they make it worse..... but it's like picking at a scab.....you just can't help it.
I haven't talked about everything that has happened with Tanya in the last week or two. Why haven't I? I don't want to admit it, maybe. Or I want it to be different, or I'm embarassed by it, or something. Something like that.
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I hate lying to people about how I feel. I wish when people asked "How are you?" I could tell them how depressed I feel. Instead, I have to put on a brave face, smile and say I'm doing good. Maybe this is why I'm an actor.... I do this shit all the time.
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