Stress/Fear/Fantasy/Dreams

I am so goddamned stressed today. No good reason why, this just hits me sometimes.

There are a bunch of stressful things happening right now.... but a lot of things that I shouldn't be stressing about. I really need to learn how to just chill.

Stressing begets more stressing, which makes my stomach hurt, which makes my back hurt, which stresses me out more cause I want to relax but can't, etc.

The times I am able to let all of this go are very few... but I savour them greatly.





My fantasies actually are built around eleaviating (sp?) this stress/fear. I mean they're all filled with financial security, health, fun and plenty of sexing, but at the same time the root of all of these is that I don't have to worry about shit anymore. Otherwise their actually quite reasonable. I still have a job, I just have a job that I enjoy. I still have plenty of bills to pay, I just don;t have to be concerned about whether or not there's enough money that month. I still get sick and have to wear glasses and my stomach hurts, I'm just not shitting blood anymore.

This stress is somehow part and parcel of my depression. It's connected somehow. Don't know quite how, but that's why I'm in therapy.





On a related note, all my dreams of late have had me almost hooking up with some chick. They're different girls all the time, but they're all composites of girls I know that I'm vaguely associated with. You know, that way where people in dreams LOOK like someone but ARE someone else? Yeah, that. The latest have included variations of Hannah, Lea, Cindy (yeah, I'm surprised 'bout that one as well), Jessie, plus a whole bunch of broads that I see on the bus everyday.

It's always the same.... there looks like SOMETHING might be there where I wasn't really even interested beforehand.... I become interested because of the attention, plus I kinda like these girls anyway, for sure......but then something gets in the way and I am unable to seal the deal. Then I wake up and I'm pissed that I can't get laid in my dreams. What kind of weak-ass shit is that?

There's a good reason why I ain't getting laid right now. Cause I stay inside the house and am afraid of people. Plus I ain't wiling to lower my standards to girls that I don't really want to fuck, or more often the ones that I shouldn't fuck cause it'll do me (and them) wrong/harm. And I'm fucking picky.
But sheeeeet.... my dreams? C'mon, hoss.... that be bullshit, yo.





Am I better today? Thought I was shit this morning.... the could seems to have risen. Maybe it was talking to Kelly and getting a better idea on the show. Anyway.... yeah I'm alright today. Gots a party to go to tonight. Hope this shit keeps like canned tomatoes.