A descriptive and analytical explanation of depression

Okay, here we go. I'm a closeted despresive.

Sorta.

It's not like a keep it a secret exactly, but I'm certainly not 100% open with it. There's only a few of my peers that know that I have this condition, and of them there's probobly only one that I'm fully honest with... and THAT person is my psychologist.

So why do I hide it? Am I emabaressed? Do I think people will look at me differently?
Yes and no. The reason I hide it is because, for the most part, people simply don't understand it. I describe it, I can try and lay it all down for you, but unless you've dealt with it yourself, it's a bit tough to understand. Now, I'm talking about clinical depression here.... not your average everyday being bummed out, also not that shitty feeling you get when really bad stuff happens (the cat dies, your house burns down, the cat burns down your house).

No, I mean clinical depression. It's hard to classify, it's hard to diagnose, it's hard to treat, it's hard to understand.

I am a man....leastsways I'm pretty sure I am cause I got a dingus and don't bleed once a moon. The idea of menstrual cycles is one that I understand conceptually but not in, for lack of a better word, practice.

At first I approached it in the same way that many men do when we are first confronted with it. i.e. "Why is my girlfriend acting like such a bitch, what the hell did I do?" All of the sudden, for no damn reason, she's screaming at me over nothing, getting mad at me, crying.... and just generally being unpleasant. And then, makes no attempt to apologize for her shitty behavior later.

I of course know, as do you ladies, that this simply is not an accurate, or to put a better way, FAIR representation of what is going on. From what little I understand, during a woman's menstrual cycle there's a whole bunch of hormones floating about, far more than usual. These piss about with emotions, perception and general behavior. In this somewhat altered (although entirely normal) state it is completely understandable to be less tolerant than usual, to take things to extremes, etc.

In the same way that when one is drunk, we exepect their behavior to be different, and perhaps not fully in control of their actions. Now, this analogy breaks down here because while getting drunk is a choice, being a woman is not. Woman get their period every month, nothing can be done about that (and as stated before, quite damn normal. Every human mother that has ever lived has gone through this). If you choose to get drunk and become a complete asshole, that is really just a choice to be an asshole.

None of this is about being on the rag tho, this is simply to illustrate a point. As you women will no doubt see, I've got the idea down....sorta. But surely I'm not fully understanding this or explaining it properly. Maybe I've even offended a few of you. No worries, ain't no one reading this blog. ZERO. I know this cause I ain't told no one about it and I get ZERO comments. That's fine (for now).
[I do want people to read this, but I don't want to lead them to it. I want them to find it on their own. I realize this is not easy to do.... but that's how it has to be. This also is a complicated issue. More on the specific at a later time]

The point is while I understand it mostly, I'll never fully get it because I've never felt it. I don't really know what it's like. And so, I'll never really empathize. I can think of things that are similar and base my opinions on that... but it's as close as I'll get (i.e. still far away).

So this brings me to my point. Unless you've been depressed......that is CLINICALY depressed... you can not fully understand what is going on. You might sorta be able to get it..... but it is a difficult concept to fully wrap your head around. This is further complicated by the fact that many people DO think they understand. Everyone's been (regular) depressed..... so a lot of them assume this is just the same thing, 'cept more of it. No. Yes.... but no. More no than yes.

So then..... what is clinical depression?
At it's most basic level it is the inability to feel joy or happiness. It is NOT feeling sad. The distinction between these two is important. It is the depression of the happyjoy part of your brain.

How does it present itself? Here are some common symptoms:
- Depressed mood (no shit)
- Apathy
- Lethargy
- Loss of weight/loss of apetite (I hear some people actually eat MORE when depressed. I ain't never noticed this myself. To me this is not a true symptom of being depressed, but a reaction to it. You like eating? Maybe eating will make you feel better.....let's eat.)
- Headaches
- Insomnia/fatigue

The first thing you'll notice is that none of this is any way uncommon shit that any and all of us will deal with on a fairly regular basis. This kinda makes it hard to diagnose for what it actually is, and the layman's intuative reasoning would say that someone feelings these symptoms is simply dealing with life. "Quit your whining, get up and get back to fucking work. We all get bummed, but don't be a lazy shit."
This attitude is wrong, and inaccurate. You cannot simply pick yourself up and stop being sad.
However, I do not fault the average person for having these opinions. They simply do not understand the situation, and worse, they think they DO understand it.

THAT in a nutshell is why I don't talk about it. When I show up to work and am asked "How are you today?" I lie and say I'm fine. I cannot tell the truth because very few people will understand.

I don't want to perceived as whiny, as weak. It's a hell of a lot more complicated than that. It's not that we are too lazy to get things done, it is that there is a brain misfire that PREVENTS us from getting things done.

That's part of what that list I compiled in the last post is about. These are things that I am somehow prevented from doing. If I can find a way to do these things, I will in essence have found a way through this preventive element and therefore a major piece of my depression.

So I am silent, for the most part. I have to be. I cannot allow myself to be alienated further from people. I know however, that my silence prevents me from developping stronger realationships with people....I always hold quite a bit back. Clearly I do not have a good balance. I need to open up about this more.

This is step one......

I feel there is more I need to elaborate on this issue. I have not fully explained what I wanted to here. It is, after all, quite a complex issue.

More on this soon.