It feels like I'm close to something

I often talk about this like a jouney. The difference is that most journies have a destination. This one doesn't. I'm going to be walking this path my whole life. I won't ever come to an end. It makes it difficult to stay on the path sometimes.... cause I ain't ever sure where the hell it is I'm going.

It feels like I'm close to something. I don't know what.... but some kind of understanding. I base this, as I do many things, on nothing more than a feeling. Which, from a rational perspective, is markedly unreliable. However, with no other particular direction to follow, I have to choose this. Otherwise I'm just standing stagnant.





Yesterday I spent the evening wanting.
Wanting for something, anything to want for. Even fantasies seemed unsatisfying. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do that would make me happy. Once again, not to say I was sad..... just couldn't feel happy. THAT is what depression is.



There's a girl that works at HMV in cote Vertu. She's cute but not gorgeous. In many ways, not really my speed. In fact, not really a girl I'd even notice, except that when I was there last week picking up the new Matt Good disc, she talked to me. So now I'm in love with her.
I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with the idea of her.
I'm not even in love with that, tho.
I'm in love with the idea that she might be something to be in love with the idea of. How fucking convoluted is that? But it's there. Every time I been back to the mall, I look for her. Cause she talked to me. That's it. A few words. WHO CARES? But I feel it. Cause I want it. I want to feel important, I want to feel loved.

Not to say that people don't love me.... cause they do. But somehow, there's something missing.

I got this feeling like I solve that one problem and everything else falls into place. It's a fallacy and I know it is..... but I can't shake it. It feels like it's the holy grail.



And still..... I feel like I'm close to something here.......some kinda understanding.....some kinda way out.